Sexuality is Fluid

[Oct. 9th, 2008|02:18 pm]

[

Current Mood

devastated

]

screw everything.
I went to the dentist today. I did NOT get my surgery. They couldn't get a vein. I now have to go to a "real" (read: not discounted/indegent care) oral surgeon, and pay what I would make in 8 YEARS of SSDI... and I can't get loans (not that anyone can) to pay for it...
They did however, weigh me, to figure out how much anesthesia to give me... I weighed.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
299 pounds...
I hate everything. Including my body. Great.

24 hours from NOW is THE DAY

[Oct. 8th, 2008|12:07 am]

[

Current Mood

apprehensive

]

28 hours from NOW I must start not eating
34 hours from NOW will be the begining
36 hours from NOW will be the end of the begining
39 hours from NOW I will probably start to wake up from the begining
6 weeks from NOW I will hopefully not have to start the begining again
16 weeks from NOW I will hopefully be able to begin the New Beginning.
If not, it will be up to 24 weeks.
IF I don't have to start the begning again.
IF I have to start the begining again, then it will be at least 22 weeks until the New Begining... and that would suck...

Of the liquid diet from hell. AKA 16-tooth removal via surgery/consious sedation & 4-6 month wait for dentures.

They called to confirm today.

This time, it's really gonna happen....

poop.

[Sep. 11th, 2008|01:19 pm]

[

Current Mood

disappointed

]

I am not having a good day. The lady at the clinic was a bitch. The didn't schedule my appt in the computer... I didn't get my surgery today. I still have all my teeth - well, that's an overstatement... but I do still have all the teeth I started out with this morning, which was not in the game plan. I am a little... devastated...
Did I mention she was a bitch?
Such a bitch that when M called and complained to the supervisor, the clerk got torn into while M was still on the phone and the Supervisor over-rid the computers system and scheduled me an appointment for a month beyond what they are "able" to schedule.
So the wait begins again... or continues, depending on how you look at it.
And we don't really have any money to buy "real food" seeing as we spent much of our food budget on liquid diet supplies - ensure, soup, jello, jelly, cooking extracts (orange, lemon, banana, coconut, etc), oatmeal, frozen veggies (to puree)...

I also have an appt scheduled on tuesday, if I want it, to pull a few teeth w/o sedation, so that I don't have to live with the most painful ones for a whole month... but I was really looking forward to just getting it done, and I don't know if I want to deal with it. the one tooth that flared up this week has started to settle and isn't really bothering me as bad anymore, just feels full when I move my lower jaw muscles.

Just poop.

[Jul. 23rd, 2008|03:09 am]

[

Current Mood

sick

]

I hate myself everytime I feel like I have to eat. It's rediculous. I have gotten better, now I know that I do *need* to eat, oh yeah, and drink fluids... but I don't understand why my brain/body seams to insist that it needs sugar/fatty foods. Every time I think "I want pizza" or "I neeeeeed chocolate" I want to stab myself in the throat. It really fucks with my mind. I wish i could just sustain myself off of carrots and celery and lettuce and broccoli and cucumbers... but I can't chew...So I eat cake, bread, and enything else soft...

And then there's the binging... I HATE when I go into binge mode...
But I said I was hungry, and I was told to drink something, so I did... then I kept getting hungrier and hungrier... which is saying something because I don't ever feel the "hungy feeling" in my stomach, until I was sure I was going to die... SO I went WAL*MART... I got dip and prezels and pizza and doughnuts and bbq chicken and two slim jims... I am frankly in aw that I didn't finish off the bowl of dip and i didn't finish off the pizza and I didn't eat all the doughnuts and I didn't touch the chicken (I bought it thinking dinner for tomorrow), I only ate one prezel and one slim jim... All things said, I did do better than I usually do... But it was still a binge and i still got that "out of control" feeling... I wish I didn't get a hint of that every time i start to eat, but I do, which makes me resistant to eating anything, but I get over it because (get this) I am not in control of food and eating...
It's ironic to me that people say what goes in and what comes out of their bodies are the only things that children have control of, but I never have. it makes me bitter. I can't control what I eat.

Bleh, bedtime.

(no subject)	[Jun. 28th, 2008\|12:48 am]
I loves you melly Lynn mwah when do want me to take you to the EPIC? Are we going to the gym B4 monday/tuesday?
Link	Sprinkle

[Jun. 16th, 2008|01:12 am]

[

Current Mood

grumpy

]

I **HATE** Acyclovir.

Herpes Zoster: The most frequent adverse event reported during 3 clinical trials of treatment of herpes zoster (shingles) with 800 mg of oral ZOVIRAX 5 times daily for 7 to 10 days in 323 patients was malaise (11.5%). The 323 placebo recipients reported malaise (11.1%).
I am 11%

Observed During Clinical Practice: In addition to adverse events reported from clinical trials, the following events have been identified during post-approval use of ZOVIRAX. Because they are reported voluntarily from a population of unknown size, estimates of frequency cannot be made. These events have been chosen for inclusion due to either their seriousness, frequency of reporting, potential causal connection to ZOVIRAX, or a combination of these factors.

General: Anaphylaxis, angioedema, fever, headache, pain, peripheral edema.

Nervous: Aggressive behavior, agitation, ataxia, coma,confusion, decreased consciousness, delirium, dizziness, dysarthria, encephalopathy, hallucinations, paresthesia, psychosis, seizure, somnolence, tremors. These symptoms may be marked, particularly in older adults or in patients with renal impairment (see PRECAUTIONS).

Digestive: Diarrhea, gastrointestinal distress, nausea.

Let's translate some of these terms, shall we?

Malaise:
Mell:what's wrong honey?
Me: I don't feel good.
Mell: what doesn't feel good
Me:(glaring. irritated tone) I don't know. Everything doesn't feel good. Nothing doesn't feel good. I. don't. know. why.
headache: general pain in the general vacinity of your head, maybe not your head itself, but the air around it. try explaining that. I don't have a *headache* but the atmosphere surrounding my head is REALLY PISSED OFF.
pain:again, YOU may not be in pain, but your general aura, is in pain, like the headache, only more general. my throat is sore... maybe... ish... it's irritating me... see below (agitation)
agitation: now, this is my favorite. I don't like the sound of... quiet, noise, people, animals, breathing, high pitches, low pitches, medium pitches, things touching me, things near me, being awake, being asleep, the cat purring, my skin, my clothes, my hair, my boobs, shoes, being barefoot, being told what to do, being still, any form of movement... I could go on, I think you get it.
gastrointestinal distress: I feel like all the fluid has been sucked out of my intestines and bowels (and troat), they are pissed too. I belch acid (...etc) everytime I eat or drink anything, I can't help but gulp a FULL glass of water with every dose of these pills
and add to that...

shingles:(aka, the reason I am taking this crap) Lets translate that to mean, itchy burning, stabbing *area* in THIS:general form and location. wherein, at each red spot on the image, you can feel a needle (or needles) stabbing you everytime you move, including breathing, and everytime something TOUCHES you...OH YEAH, the rash, IF IT DECIDES TO SHOW can take up to two(2) months to surface!!!! ... add in fever (which can also come with this...ahem...medicine...) and general body yuckiness.

and I'm just pissed off about it all.

[Jun. 7th, 2008|01:52 pm]

[

Current Mood

cranky

]

Nail me to the fucking roof and cover me in tar....

I have SHINGLES.

And i hate it. Because everytime I whine I feel like I'm being overdramatic because it doesn't look like the rash they show in the *lovely* webmd picture of shingles, but I can actually feel that rash under my skin. However, it doesn't LOOK like that, therefore, it can't possibly feel that bad and I need to stop being a drama queen and get some pain tolerance, get off my butt and clean the house and go do something productive.

2 lingering fairy dust|Sprinkle

[Jan. 27th, 2008|08:22 pm]

[

Current Mood

tired

]

I love her. She's great... most of the time.

But I love her bigly right now. She knows me better than I do. For Re-Christmas, she got me a blue i-pod nano, 8G. Now, I know, half of creation has one of these little gizmos, but I have fought it. I wanted one, but then I didn't... and then I did... but I was so unsure. And I told her do not get me one for re-christmas, I don't really want it that bad... but then the day after she went shopping, I realized that that is what I really wanted and I told her not to... But she got it for me!!! Plus she got me a tripod, which I needed for my camera.

And today, I paid a couple of guys in the parking lot $40 to move my bed and my chair over to our appartment... hopefully her mom will move into my place when she gets back from vacation.

We had dinner tonight becuase we havfe been sick as shit for a week now. Influenza SUCKS!!! But I am feeling better. I can't believe how much better i feel today, I thought I could have died for the past four days and all of a sudden, today I feel worlds better! Thank GOD!!!

[Dec. 18th, 2007|01:54 am]

[

Current Mood

tired

]

I hate bad days... Days when I am lonely even though I am not alone, days when I am disconnected from the planet, more less those around me. Days when I just want to cry and almost don't have a choice. I hate them.

I hate that I walk around and actually have the serious thought, "Am I real?... Am I real or am I just... a dream?" I know that that doesn't make real sense...

I have no idea who I really am and yet I have always, since I was a tiny person, felt that I have no right to find out who I am meant to be... I don't know why, but I have always felt that I am not meant to meet my potential. How fucked up is that? And what does that even mean?... How could I possibly have that instinct?

It's like that stupid song Mell listens to:
Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself
There's gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
'Cause I can't seem to feel myself.

Only I know that it's not anyone else's problem...

[Dec. 16th, 2007|03:41 pm]

[

Current Mood

relaxed

]

I love sleep, I love my bed. I love sausage and eggs and salsa. I love watcing D and M play Mario galaxy becasue it's hilarious.
Do you know what I do not love???
I do not love that my optical drive is fried and now I have to wait a week for a new one which mean that I do not get photoshop. And I am feelijng creative today. eh, oh well. at least they'll ship it and have someone come to my house and install it all for free. I think my warrantee just nearly paid for it'self, otherwise I'd be paying for a new driver, shipping, and instalation, which would be ass. gotta love money well spent.

[Dec. 15th, 2007|01:22 am]

[

Current Mood

sore

]

I am whiny. I am whiny like a little kid. I fell, yet again, and my knee hurts and it burns and taking a shower sucked and my hips hurt and standing up makes me woozy and my leg doesn't especially want to hold my weight and I took two each of ibuprofen and acetaminophen and now I can't take any more for ages and it's going to be achy-er tomorrow and I didn't even do any real damage to be whining about but I AM WHINY.
And I like my bed.

Oh yeah, nice socks, wanna boff? Horny too... Except now... (repeat from the top)

[Dec. 1st, 2007|10:28 pm]

[

Current Mood

moody

]

I feel stupid, weak, and lonely. I should not need to be wanted. I shouldnot need to have poeple around me to feel "normal" I should not want people around me all the time. what happened to me? I used to love to be alone. I relished in it. No one screwing with me or telling me what to do or yelling or crying or wanting/needing me. It was a blessing. One that I cherished.
I can't even control crying anymore. I don't even feel depressed really, I don't feel unsafe, I have my basic needs met... and yet I cry. like a toddler. I am an emotional wreck. I used to be strong. Nothing could get to me, not so bed I had to show other people. I was stoic, even cold sometimes. I turned off those tears and pretty much everything... now I cry at the drop of a hat. It's fucking WEAK. "It's time to be a big now, and big girls don't cry." And here I am, like a child who needs a sitter.
And I'm lonely. I'm lonely and I'm stupid because it's my own fucking fault because I am too scared to meet people. I am too scared to talk to people and I am too easily affected by other people's energy and it drains me. I am lonely and too weak to fix it. I am hesitant to talk to people online because I end up caring, and when you care, you give energy, and you worry, and in the end, there's really nothing you can do anyways, so it's wasted energy... and then you have people who "neeeeed" you, not really, but they try to convince you they do, and then you end up caring and when you care, you give energy.... you get the point. And when you meet people in real life, They know what you look like, and they want to hang out and they want to go places and do things and that costs time and money and requires leaving without a safety net. What safety net? well, that's the problem, now isn't it? Better to stay home.But I'm lonely. And if I invite people into my home, they know where I live and what if they turn out to be psycho stalkers or needy or theives or druggies? And if they aren't... why are they hanging out with me?
And why do I view myself that way, surely I am a person worth being around? Why has Mell hung around for four years? Why did Ehren for three? They had no obligation...
For that matter, why do people leave me after three or four years.... maybe I'm not really worth staying around. Eh, why am I basing my oppinion of myself off of others?
why do I hate people? just in general? why does the planet annoy me? Why was I so easily able to walk away from my birth family?
Why do I have no confidence in my ability to take care of myself? Why do I feel like I need others to have any value? Why do I feel like I never have enough anything - attention, clothes, food, friends, gas, love, money, security, sex - ?
And on that note, what is with me and sex? Why have I not had an honest desire for sex in... longer than I realize. I mean, yeah, I've wanted it... but... I dunno... I just can't explain it. Melly even keeps saying, I "like the sex"...But I just.... yeah, I've been horny, but... it's like it doesn't really matter. Like I won't feel things right anyways... Why don't I feel things right? Nothing is as intense as it seems it should be. No fireworks, no waves, no toe curling... It's almost like my nerves run away and hide. And I really haven't felt horny for... well, even before D came and stayed for that couple of days... I mean, yeah, that was a fun game, but, eh... it was just that, fun. My body forgets to play too. I don't even usually know when it "works out for me".
Which brings up a point Tim made about his exes ex. Does that just mean that I'm asexual, instead of gay? I mean, his point was that if she doesn't like to be penetrated, she doesn't like sex. But while I do like to be penetrated, I just... kinda don't care as much as I feel like I should. Don't get me wrong, I like the intimacy, the holding and kissing and watching and touching and... all that. But... I don't know. I wish I could just make my mind make sense. I guess it's like this, I have no clue how to find words. I mean, I guess what I'm thinking is the penis is good for it's purpose, I just don't want to have to touch it, or look at it. But it is very good for it's purpose. But I like to touch... and I like boobies and I even like vajayjays.... ok... well, I mean... sometimes. I like boobies though. but then, I've only really had (multiple) consentual experiences with two people. And I mean, women are soft and cuddly and men are strong and snuggly.... And I am just conflicted about everything. I would not have even thought to be with a girl if it weren't for Mell... But... it has just felt so right. But then... Ehren felt right too... But Mell felt SOOOOOooooo right, so forever. But then... I guess friendship can be.
I'm not even really mourning over the loss of the "relationship" anymore, I have realized it was over a while back and there's nothing to be done now, but I am grateful for the friendship, which I almost lost. Which would have been stupid of me.
But that's a side note . Why am I like THIS??? WHy do I hate people but am lonely, why don't I feel things right, why am I stupid and lonely???? What the hell?